The things you find on message boards...

Things have taken rather a light-hearted turn round these parts recently - I haven't noticed much of interest lately, although I did notice this detailed report on the current situation in the DRC (sadly, things look as bad as ever, and as per usual, we're partly responsible; skimmers might want to jump straight to the bottom of the page for some photographs). I'll also interject briefly on Tessa Jowell - she was in trouble already, but surely leaving your husband, and immediately telling the newspapers how angry you are that he betrayed you is unlikely to inspire much sympathy.

Anyway, back to the superficial:
All of you wannabe zombie-film directors out there take note: for all the disgusting sound effects your film will surely require, stocking up on plenty of fruit and veg is your best bet. An expert in the field advises (I particularly like his recommendations for appeasing your significant other when the messy aural gore-fest is over):

"Fruits and vegetables can get you almost any kind of body damage sounds you need. Melons are good for stabbing. They also make a nice "cracking" sound when you pull one apart. Brains, anyone? Coconut hulls are great for skull impact/crushing elements. Several stalks of fresh celery snapped at once will give you a nice bone break, and peeling the strings off of the outside makes a good skin peeling effect. For a blood dribble, or to add general juiciness to anything, wet a rag almost to the point of dripping, then give it a good quick squeeze. A head of cabbage or lettuce will give you all kinds of sounds. Stab it, rip it open, take a long chunk and twist it, etc. Just make sure all of your produce is fresh and cold. Hmmm.. maybe try freezing it first! Just experiment, have fun, make a mess. The wife will think you've gone over the edge, so make her a nice salad when you're done."